Feed Jake (He's Been A Good Dog)

When I first met P, I was not what you would call a country music fan. Sure I had albums by Garth Brooks and the Dixie Chicks, but any true country fan will tell you that these mainstream artists don't count. P was the real deal driving around in a white pickup truck and listening to some guy named George Strait. The truck only had an AM radio, so our choices were Radio Disney or his collection of CDs. I got to know George and friends real well. Over time, I started to like it and expanded my personal collection to include a bit more country.

However, since becoming a fan, I've come across some of the goofiest songs I've ever heard. In addition to being hilarious, these songs confirm my belief that I could be a country music songwriter if I wanted to be. I just currently choose not to be. Anyhow, included below are my votes for Worst Country Music Song In Recent Memory. I'm setting up a poll to the right, so for the love of Waylon Jennings, please vote! And the nominees are:

1. Feed Jake - by Pirates of the Mississippi

I'm standing at the crossroads in life, and I don't know where to go. You know you've got my heart babe, but my music's got my soul. Let me play it one more time, I'll tell the truth and make it rhyme, and hope they understand me.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake, Feed Jake.

Now Broadway's like a sewer, bums and hookers everywhere. Whino's passed out on the side walk, doesn't anybody care. Some say he's worthless, just let him be. But I for one would have to disagree. And so would their mama.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake,Feed Jake.

If you get an ear pierced, some will call you gay. But if you drive a pick-up, they'll say 'No, he must be straight.' What we are and what we ain't, what we can and what we can't, does it really matter?

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake, feed Jake.

SN Comments: Let me just pause here to reiterate that these are real songs performed by serious artists. I did not make anything up or alter the lyrics in any way. So yes, The Pirates of the Mississippi managed to write a song that simultaneously tackles big issues like hookers, homosexuality and feeding a dog. Please don't laugh when I tell you that this was their highest-charting hit. Or laugh. What do I care?

2. I'll Walk - by Bucky Covington
We were 18, it was prom night. We had our first big fight. She said "Pull this car over." I did and then I told her, "I don't know what you are crying for." I grabbed her hand, as she reached for the door.

She said, I'll walk. Let go of my hand. Right now I'm hurt, and you don't understand. So just be quiet. And later we will talk. Just leave, don't worry. I'll walk.

It was a dark night, a black dress. Driver never saw her, around the bend. I never will forget the call, or driving to the hospital when they told me her legs still wouldn't move. I cried, when I walked into her room.

She said, I'll walk. Please come and hold my hand. Right now I'm hurt, and I don't understand. Let's just be quiet, and later we can talk. Please stay, don't worry. I'll walk.

I held her hand through everything. The weeks and months of therapy. And I held her hand and asked her, to be my bride. She's dreamed from a little girl, to have her daddy bring her down the aisle. So from her wheelchair, she looks up to him and smiles.

And says, I'll walk. Please hold my hand. I know that this will hurt, I know you understand. Please daddy don't cry. This is already hard. Let's go, don't worry. I'll walk.

SN Comments: Okay, I know this song is sad and it pulls at the heartstrings so I probably shouldn't make fun of it. But come on. It's so bad! Country music is notorious for doing the old "double-meaning" chorus. But I'll Walk takes it to new heights. She's going to walk home after the fight, but she's also going to walk after the car accident that paralyzed her. And finally, she's going to walk down the aisle at her wedding. Yes, the wedding where she is marrying the jackass who LET HER GET OUT OF THE CAR SO SHE COULD WALK HOME FROM PRESUMABLY THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ON PROM NIGHT! This song wants me to believe that a father is going to let his 18 year-old daughter marry the guy who pretty much caused her paralysis? Impossible! I mean, can you imagine:

"Well, Mom and Dad, prom was great but on the way home Bucky and I got into a huge fight. I told him to pull over so I could walk home. And you know what? He did. So I stood there alone for awhile thinking he might come back. Finally, I started to walk and just as I was rounding a bend, I saw a car speeding straight toward me. It was then that I realized black was a poor color choice for my dress."

3. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk - by Trace Adkins
Turn it up some. Alright boys, this is her favorite song. You know that right? So, if we play it good and loud she might get up and dance again. Ooh, she put her beer down. Here she comes, here she comes. Left left left right left. Whoo!

Husslers shootin' eightball, throwin' darts at the wall. Feelin' damn near 10 ft. tall. Here she comes, Lord help us all. Ol' T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him outta his chair. Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault.

It's so hard not to stare at that honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on.

That honky tonk badonkadonk (aww son). Now Honey, you can't blame her for what her mama gave her. It ain't right to hate her for workin' that money-maker. Band shuts down at two, but we're hangin' out till three. We hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave.

With that honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on. With that honky tonk badonkadonk.

(Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there, honey) We don't care bout the drinkin'. Barely listen to the band. Our hands, they start a shakin' when she gets the urge to dance. Drivin' everybody crazy. You think you fell in love. Boys, you better keep your distance. You can look but you can't touch.

That honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on. With that honky tonk badonkadonk.

That's it, right there boys, that's why we do what we do. It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the free whiskey. It's for the badonkadonk.

SN Comments: I almost don't even know where to start with this one. It's offensive on so many levels. I mean, it's obviously offensive to women, but I'm even more offended as a human being with ears. And a brain. "Shut my mouth, slap your grandma." This is songwriting? Trace Adkins made MONEY off of this song. People LOVE this song. My brother, who hates country music, even likes this song (although I think he might just like the video). Shocking but true. I guess maybe I should be offended that I didn't think of it first. I'd have money, fame, free whiskey! Yes! Yes! But wait...thinking it over here....Nope! Still hate it!

If you have a song you'd like to nominate, please do so in the Comments section. Don't forget to vote!

If You've Already Seen This, Watch It Again

I cry like a baby every time I see this. From the student section going nuts to the coach saying he sat on the bench and cried while it was happening, I just can't keep it together.

10 Things I Love...

...About Our Tuesday Night Bar Bowling League:

10. The fact that tonight, on our fourth week, I realized for the first time that it was called the Bar League. I pretty much thought it was just a regular old league. Noticing the other names on the results board like Wednesday Night Men's Competitive League and Thursday Night Kings and Queens League, I quickly came to the conclusion that we're the hooligans. So be it.

9. John's t-shirts. You don't know John. Heck, I barely know John, but I love his t-shirts. Each week, he treats us to something different. Tonight it was Yo Gabba Gabba. Last week it was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. What will next week bring? Personally, I can't wait.

8. That if P bowls a turkey (three strikes in a row), we get to see his turkey strut. It's magnificent.

7. The music. Where else can you hear the Zac Brown Band's "Chicken Fried" followed by T.I.'s "Whatever You Like"? And then hear both of them again within an hour.

6. My new-to-me pink bowling ball. I finally graduated to a 10-pounder and celebrated by having my initials engraved above the finger holes. Don't think I'm not legit!

5. Watching Ryan get better each week!

4. The team names. We're the Four Acres, which was the name of an old bar that caught fire and was destroyed in the town where P grew up. Other names include The Hillbillies, The Pour House and the Splitlickers. Just reinforcing our hooligan reputation.

3. The free practice. Sometimes the owner lets us stay late and bowl for free. We either amuse him, he likes us or he drinks too much on Tuesday nights. It's a toss-up.

2. The tight, tight blue jeans. I'm not talking about the ladies either. I'm fascinated by how some of these men manage to bowl. Yikes! With a little bit of ouch.

1. That tonight P announced "I don't know why, but at the bowling alley, the beer flows like wine." And he didn't even realize he pulled a Lloyd Christmas on us.

Who Wears Cloth Flats and No Socks With 5 Inches of Snow in the Forecast?

Me, that's who. Brrrrrrr.

Mom, I'm expecting your call. I will have no explanation for you.

SN Exclusive: My Dinner-for-One Recipe

Ever come home after a long day of work only to find an empty house? In this scenario, are you also starving because you only ate a stupid salad for lunch? If you answered yes, then I have a recipe for you. Grab a pencil and get ready to write this down. This recipe is sure to rock your world. Ready? Okay, here is what you'll need:

Tortillas
Shredded Cheese, preferably a Mexican blend but in a pinch, anything will do.
Sour Cream
Salsa

Sprinkle cheese on tortilla and heat for 45 seconds in microwave. Add as much sour cream as you can handle and then pour salsa where space will allow. Roll up tortilla, grab a drink and move to your couch. Enjoy some alone time watching tv, reading a book or surfing the web. If you're a balla like me, you'll probably eat three or four before you consider how bad this meal actually is for you. And then you'll grab one more because if you think about it, this is a vegetarian dish. Those are all healthy, right?

What's that you say? You don't always have tortillas in the house and are looking for a substitute? No problem! Simply replace the tortillas with a bowl, the shredded cheese with Lucky Charms and the sour cream with milk. A nice bowl of cereal is the perfect dinner-for-one and it doesn't even require the microwave.

Have any dinner-for-one recipes of your own? Share them in the comments. Come on. Don't be ashamed!

Myth or Mom Part Two: Pork on New Year's

Did your mom remind you, oh I don't know, three or four times to eat pork on New Year's Day? Mine did. And it wasn't an entirely friendly reminder either. It had a certain "do it or suffer the consequences" tone to it. Which is understood since P is somewhat of a magnet for accidents. Think I'm being dramatic? In five years of marriage, the following has happened to P:

#1. Sank one boat in approximately 50 feet of water.

This is a fun story. Ironically, it all started on New Year's Day four years ago. That's when we outbid someone else for a '94 Moomba skiboat that was within our price range. Despite the unfortunate sinking, I've got to hand it to P. I had given him two stipulations: the boat had to fit our predetermined budget and it couldn't be older than me. It took him six months to find the Moomba and we were shocked it was still so cheap on New Year's Day when the bidding ended. Apparently everyone else was busy eating pork because only one other person was bidding. We "won" and started planning our first boating vacation.

P spent the spring replacing old parts and just generally fixing it up. We took it for a test drive at a local lake and it ran great. So we got together a big group of people and planned a trip to Dale Hollow Lake over Memorial Day. Our first day there, P took turns taking groups of people out on the boat. I was in the first group, the non-sinking group, and experienced a few hours of fun before P arrived back at our campsite announcing the boat's demise. As he was chucking all of our brand new ski equipment from a good samaritan's boat, I asked "Is something wrong?"

"It sank."

Everyone at the campsite laughed.

"No, seriously," I said.

"It sank."

I looked at P's younger brother, who looked back at me and said "I think he's serious." I turned back to P.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yup."

Then some sort of park ranger showed up. So began a fun couple of days where we had to hire scuba divers, rent the marina's barge and find a mechanic willing to work Memorial Day weekend. It ended well though. Insurance covered everything and after about two months with the mechanic, we got the boat back in like-new condition. We haven't had any problems with it since. Stays on top of the water and everything.

As proof, here are a few photos:

This is a picture of the boat hooked up to the barge. It sank in the main channel, so after the scuba divers found it, they had to hook it to the barge and drag it underwater to the marina. The various people who had gathered on the houseboating slips with lawn chairs, towels and snacks were extremely disappointed.

Here's P's brother helping get the boat as close to the surface as possible. We basically had to drag it underwater to get it on the trailer so we could take it to the mechanic immediately. I can't remember if the people in the jon boat pictured in the background were helpers or gawkers. Let me tell you, this incident was the talk of the marina. Every time we go back, at least one person asks us if we're the people who sank a boat.

Oh, one final thing. How did the boat sink? It was a combination of the bilge pump not working correctly and probably too many people in the boat. We were also missing an important piece of plastic above the swim platform that allowed water to come in slowly over the course of the four hour voyage. With the bilge clogged, the water began to weigh the boat down and eventually, the back end started taking on water. P managed to get it as close to the marina as possible before the engine died. Everyone jumped ship and had to swim to the boat slips. P stayed in the water and watched it slowly sink. It caught an air bubble and hung out with the nose sticking straight up for awhile. Another boat tried to tie a rope to the nose to see if they could taxi it in. No such luck.

Understand the hazards of eBay my friends. P had put in a brand new bilge after we got the boat, but the bilge wasn't the problem. The tube leading to the bilge was the problem. It was clogged with leaves and other junk. We also weren't aware that the plastic piece was missing. It was about $25 to replace. However, as bad as it was, it could have been much worse. Dale Hollow Lake is over 60 miles long. It could have sank in a cove or even a main channel in the middle of nowhere. And in several hundred feet of water. In which case, we wouldn't have gotten the boat back and would have had to pay a steep environmental fee. Whew. We really got lucky.

#2. Had emergency surgery in St. Thomas for a burst appendix.

So P finally talked me into going on a cruise. On the second night at sea, he started experiencing intense stomach pain. After it got bad enough, he went to the infirmary to see the ship's doctor. He gave P laxatives. In what might be my favorite line of his since I've known him, he opened up our cabin door, threw the laxatives across the room and announced "I've never been constipated a day in my life!"

He was right. After the constipation diagnosis, we got a flu diagnosis. Then after they had to admit him to the infirmary on the ship, put in an IV and give him morphine, they realized it probably wasn't the flu either. We had to disembark the ship in St. Thomas where an ambulance was waiting for us. Within two hours, he was in surgery. I started thinking it was pretty serious when the surgeon came out to the waiting room and told me his appendix had already burst so the surgery would be long and that I should plan on at least a five day stay. So it was fun for both of us. I had the task of calling his mother and telling her "Hey, your first born son is having emergency surgery in a foreign country. Yup, right now as we speak. But it's cool. The hospital has walls and everything." (It was actually a great hospital. We just didn't know what to expect.)

P came through the surgery okay, but had a rough couple of days after. His temperature kept spiking and it was fairly scary, especially since we were there alone. I refused to leave him so I pushed all our luggage together and slept on top of it. After five days the surgeon discharged him, and told us not to fly for a few days. But P wanted to leave immediately, so we flew to Miami the same afternoon and he recovered with his relatives in Coral Springs. Again, proof:

Notice the washcloth on his forehead and ice packs tucked under his arms. That fever kept coming back! I kept taking pictures because there was nothing else to do.

#3. Suffered from a case of meningitis.

It was viral though and not bacterial, so according to P it was "not a big deal." Again, fairly stressful until we got an official diagnosis. No pictures though, because it would pretty much just be pictures of him sleeping in bed.

#4. Had recurring staph infection.

For the longest time, P insisted the oozing open wound on his shin was an infected spider bite. I insisted that he should let a doctor figure that out. He didn't and because he refused treatment for so long, he passed it on to me through either our bed sheets or the shower. Then he got it again under his arm. Then I started getting a spot on my thigh. Finally, I scoured everything in the bathroom with bleach, threw out a bunch of towels, rugs and sheets, and washed all of our clothes in hot water. It was finally gone after about four months of popping up on one of us.

We still don't know how he got it in the first place, but I'm guessing it was from the hospital in St. Thomas. Oh, I also got hives from the medication I was on. So no pictures of either the staph or the hives because that's just gross. I think I actually have some though because the hives made me look hilarious.

In the end, I get my mom's pork request. (There have also been a few trips to the hospital for stitches--his flag football league used to get pretty intense.) So I told her I ate pork when in truth, I might have eaten pork. I had two hot dogs on New Year's Day. Whether they were beef or pork is up in the air. Guess we'll have to wait it out and see.

2008 Favorites

It's a little late, but here are some of my favorite things, events or people from 2008:

San Francisco - I didn't blog about it, but P and I took a trip to San Francisco in mid-November. He was out there training for his new job, and I joined him at the end of the week so we could celebrate our 5th anniversary together. We did all the touristy stuff, ate ridiculous amounts of food and had the best time together. In fact, it was so good that I let P talk me into going to the Ripley's Believe It Or Not museum on our last night. If you know us, you know that Ripley's is probably on P's top 3 favorite things about the trip and I haven't thought about it since we left.

Facebook - For the past few years, I've had some weird hesitation about joining a social networking site like Facebook or Myspace. From the outside, it seemed highly narcissistic (of course, so would blogging). But after signing up for a work-related project, I found it to be a great way to keep in touch, re-establish relationships and get to know people a little better. It also helps me to be the best stalker I can be. Kidding, of course. Kind of.

I'll Bag You Like Some Groceries - This is a line from Usher's song Love In This Club, which was released in February. I actually like the song (God help me), but just crack up every time I hear this line in the rap by Young Jeezy. Hmm. I'll bag you like some groceries. How do you bag your groceries, Young Jeezy? Forcefully? Tenderly? With proper weight distribution? Dare I ask if you, ah hem, double bag? It's so ridiculous that I love it.

By the way, most of the above information I had to look up on Wikipedia. Young Jeezy? Come on, I wouldn't know that guy without using a tool like Wikipedia. I live in an area small enough that it's called a village.

Tennessee - It was another great year for fun and fellowship in Tennessee. Camping, boating, friends, family, cards and the addition of the Cabana Islander. Oh, and I got up on slalom twice! Darn it that it's only January! For some pictures, click here. For videos, click here.

Chris Cooley - In case you don't know who Cooley is, this is all you need to know: he's a tight end for the Washington Redskins, he has awesome hair and he maintains a highly entertaining blog called The Cooley Zone. I first came across Cooley a few years ago while searching for a tight end in my fantasy league after some lightweight (probably Todd Heap) got hurt. This is the head shot Yahoo Sports had on file for him:

As most anyone would do after seeing that hair, I picked him up immediately. This year, I was all set to draft him, but the other lady in the league got him (friggin' Carrie) and I was stuck with my old nemesis (friggin' Heap). Anyhow, I found out he had a blog after he had a somewhat unfortunate incident involving his, um, grocery bagger (see Love In This Club). Really, I could care less, but I'm glad it happened because I wouldn't have heard about his blog otherwise. The Cooley Zone gives the everyday person a peek into the NFL, which I find endlessly fascinating. It's funny, honest and entertaining. Perhaps I'm projecting, but it seems like Cooley's the type of guy who has fun with life and realizes how darn cool it is to be an NFL player. And I dig that.

Fantasy Football - Speaking of the NFL, Lionel Richie Fan Club took home the silver this year! And $150! And bragging rights after beating all the guys but one! Really, I shouldn't be using all these exclamation points though. It's not a terribly surprising victory--I'm a top notch GM. And I'm going to bring it in '09 too.

Scripps National Spelling Bee/Numnah - Meet Sameer Mishra, an 8th grader from Indiana. While participating in this nationally televised spelling bee, he ran across an interesting word. Check it out:

Not only does this clip crack me up every time I see it, but I'm always amazed by his composure. Cool as a cucumber. By the way, Sameer went on to win the competition. Quite an accomplishment.

Kid Rock/All Summer Long - I love Kid Rock and I love this song. It's a great mashup of Werewolves of London and Sweet Home Alabama, and talks about summertime in northern Michigan. I know all about summertime in northern Michigan! I grew up in Toledo and spent many summers there. Could this possibly mean that Kid Rock and I are soulmates?!

Mayonnaise - Nothing in particular happened. It just continued to rock my world in '08.

This Blog - One of my resolutions for 2008 was to start writing more. With this blog, I've been able to do that fairly easily, and SN is quite possibly the first resolution I've ever been successful at carrying out. So it's depressing and momentous at the same time! I started writing just for myself, with no intention of any type of readership. But there are a few of you out there and I just wanted to say thanks!

It's only two days into the new year and I already have a few candidates for the 2009 list: the Four Acres bowling team (consisting of me, P, P's dad and best friend) and our new Wii. Can't wait to see how this year plays out!

Here's to a happy and healthy 2009!