Feed Jake (He's Been A Good Dog)

When I first met P, I was not what you would call a country music fan. Sure I had albums by Garth Brooks and the Dixie Chicks, but any true country fan will tell you that these mainstream artists don't count. P was the real deal driving around in a white pickup truck and listening to some guy named George Strait. The truck only had an AM radio, so our choices were Radio Disney or his collection of CDs. I got to know George and friends real well. Over time, I started to like it and expanded my personal collection to include a bit more country.

However, since becoming a fan, I've come across some of the goofiest songs I've ever heard. In addition to being hilarious, these songs confirm my belief that I could be a country music songwriter if I wanted to be. I just currently choose not to be. Anyhow, included below are my votes for Worst Country Music Song In Recent Memory. I'm setting up a poll to the right, so for the love of Waylon Jennings, please vote! And the nominees are:

1. Feed Jake - by Pirates of the Mississippi

I'm standing at the crossroads in life, and I don't know where to go. You know you've got my heart babe, but my music's got my soul. Let me play it one more time, I'll tell the truth and make it rhyme, and hope they understand me.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake, Feed Jake.

Now Broadway's like a sewer, bums and hookers everywhere. Whino's passed out on the side walk, doesn't anybody care. Some say he's worthless, just let him be. But I for one would have to disagree. And so would their mama.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake,Feed Jake.

If you get an ear pierced, some will call you gay. But if you drive a pick-up, they'll say 'No, he must be straight.' What we are and what we ain't, what we can and what we can't, does it really matter?

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, feed Jake, he's been a good dog. My best friend right through it all, if I die before I wake, feed Jake.

SN Comments: Let me just pause here to reiterate that these are real songs performed by serious artists. I did not make anything up or alter the lyrics in any way. So yes, The Pirates of the Mississippi managed to write a song that simultaneously tackles big issues like hookers, homosexuality and feeding a dog. Please don't laugh when I tell you that this was their highest-charting hit. Or laugh. What do I care?

2. I'll Walk - by Bucky Covington
We were 18, it was prom night. We had our first big fight. She said "Pull this car over." I did and then I told her, "I don't know what you are crying for." I grabbed her hand, as she reached for the door.

She said, I'll walk. Let go of my hand. Right now I'm hurt, and you don't understand. So just be quiet. And later we will talk. Just leave, don't worry. I'll walk.

It was a dark night, a black dress. Driver never saw her, around the bend. I never will forget the call, or driving to the hospital when they told me her legs still wouldn't move. I cried, when I walked into her room.

She said, I'll walk. Please come and hold my hand. Right now I'm hurt, and I don't understand. Let's just be quiet, and later we can talk. Please stay, don't worry. I'll walk.

I held her hand through everything. The weeks and months of therapy. And I held her hand and asked her, to be my bride. She's dreamed from a little girl, to have her daddy bring her down the aisle. So from her wheelchair, she looks up to him and smiles.

And says, I'll walk. Please hold my hand. I know that this will hurt, I know you understand. Please daddy don't cry. This is already hard. Let's go, don't worry. I'll walk.

SN Comments: Okay, I know this song is sad and it pulls at the heartstrings so I probably shouldn't make fun of it. But come on. It's so bad! Country music is notorious for doing the old "double-meaning" chorus. But I'll Walk takes it to new heights. She's going to walk home after the fight, but she's also going to walk after the car accident that paralyzed her. And finally, she's going to walk down the aisle at her wedding. Yes, the wedding where she is marrying the jackass who LET HER GET OUT OF THE CAR SO SHE COULD WALK HOME FROM PRESUMABLY THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE ON PROM NIGHT! This song wants me to believe that a father is going to let his 18 year-old daughter marry the guy who pretty much caused her paralysis? Impossible! I mean, can you imagine:

"Well, Mom and Dad, prom was great but on the way home Bucky and I got into a huge fight. I told him to pull over so I could walk home. And you know what? He did. So I stood there alone for awhile thinking he might come back. Finally, I started to walk and just as I was rounding a bend, I saw a car speeding straight toward me. It was then that I realized black was a poor color choice for my dress."

3. Honky Tonk Badonkadonk - by Trace Adkins
Turn it up some. Alright boys, this is her favorite song. You know that right? So, if we play it good and loud she might get up and dance again. Ooh, she put her beer down. Here she comes, here she comes. Left left left right left. Whoo!

Husslers shootin' eightball, throwin' darts at the wall. Feelin' damn near 10 ft. tall. Here she comes, Lord help us all. Ol' T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him outta his chair. Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault.

It's so hard not to stare at that honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on.

That honky tonk badonkadonk (aww son). Now Honey, you can't blame her for what her mama gave her. It ain't right to hate her for workin' that money-maker. Band shuts down at two, but we're hangin' out till three. We hate to see her go, but love to watch her leave.

With that honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on. With that honky tonk badonkadonk.

(Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there, honey) We don't care bout the drinkin'. Barely listen to the band. Our hands, they start a shakin' when she gets the urge to dance. Drivin' everybody crazy. You think you fell in love. Boys, you better keep your distance. You can look but you can't touch.

That honky tonk badonkadonk. Keepin' perfect rhythm, make ya wanna swing along. Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong. And whoo-wee shut my mouth, slap your grandma. There outta be a law get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on. With that honky tonk badonkadonk.

That's it, right there boys, that's why we do what we do. It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the free whiskey. It's for the badonkadonk.

SN Comments: I almost don't even know where to start with this one. It's offensive on so many levels. I mean, it's obviously offensive to women, but I'm even more offended as a human being with ears. And a brain. "Shut my mouth, slap your grandma." This is songwriting? Trace Adkins made MONEY off of this song. People LOVE this song. My brother, who hates country music, even likes this song (although I think he might just like the video). Shocking but true. I guess maybe I should be offended that I didn't think of it first. I'd have money, fame, free whiskey! Yes! Yes! But wait...thinking it over here....Nope! Still hate it!

If you have a song you'd like to nominate, please do so in the Comments section. Don't forget to vote!