If You Have a Brain in Your Head

If there is one thing I'm truly afraid of, it's being home alone.  I had a bizarre incident in college involving a teenage runaway named Sherice that I promise I'll share on here someday.  But even before Sherice, I hated being alone.  So this past weekend while P was white-water rafting in West Virginia, I decided it was time to be an adult and stay at home all weekend by myself.  In the end, it went well, but it involved me spending a lot of time watching infomercials at 4 in the morning.  And let me tell you, the later it is, the worse the infomercials are.

Early in the night, the infomercials seem to feature items that are at least plausible.  A multi-tool titanium rod that easily switches from a mop-head to a screwdriver to a rake?  Sure, I would use that.  An eco-friendly 100-piece set of imitation Tupperware that comes with a special waterproof rack so you can wash them while you shower?  Makes sense, come to think of it.  But at 4 a.m., the doozies come out.  Ladies and gents, let me introduce you to the Pos T Vac!

In case you don't have much of an imagination, the Pos T Vac features a line of male enhancement vacuum therapy products geared toward the older crowd.  The testimonials were perfection.  A group of buddies out on the golf course, all candidly discussing their use of the Boss 2000.  A couple walking along the beach talking about how the MVP 700 saved their marriage.  

Then, following along the infomercial format, a price point was splashed all over the screen (which I honestly can't remember, but really, are you going to let price come between you and the Boss).  Then the freebie was featured--a handy, yet discreet, carrying case.  Finally, the commercial closed with the hard sell.  This is where it gets good.

A middle-aged, aggressive looking man barked at the camera, "If you have a brain in your head, buy this product now!"  This is a sales tactic I've never seen before and quite frankly, it's brilliant.  The only pre-requisite is having a brain.  I imagine that before long, the other infomercials will take notice and start using similar directives:

"If you live on planet earth, buy this product now!"

"If food is a regular part of your diet, buy this product now!"

"If you have fingers on your hands, pick up the phone and buy this product now!"

My prediction?  Pos T Vac will be bigger than Miss Cleo.